As of June 14th, I am 29 years old. This is the last year of my twenties.
Looking back, I think my 20’s were about proving myself.
I remember when I was 20, and because a boy broke my heart, I thought my life was the worst life to ever live. Now, I look back and realize that it says more about me that I loved someone who didn’t love me in return than the person who didn’t love me back. But at that point in my life, I didn’t like myself, so it seemed natural to be drawn to someone who didn’t like me either.
I remember being 21 and moving out my parents house and being on the verge of graduating. I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew I wanted to explore the world. I was looking at Austin or Houston, and I wanted to be a writer. Then, I fell in love again, but this time, my love was reciprocated.
I remember being 22. A fresh college graduate with a BA in English, and a barista at Starbucks and a pizza delivery person at Papa Johns. As I served drinks and delivered pizza, I thought the whole world was judging me. I was desperate to prove myself as “worthy.” Life was hard, and I was struggling with money. I had to work two jobs just to makes ends meet, and I didn’t have a lot of help. The idea of paying my student loans were laughable, and I still dreamed of leaving my hometown. Now, I realize no one was ever judging me, and all those “judgements” were just the harsh judgements and standards I set on myself.
I remember being 23. I returned to my teacher certification program determined to finish. I was going to be someone who contributed to society. I was gonna “be somebody”—- whatever that meant. And, I had finally got to quit my second job (my parents hired me to watch my sister). I lived my in an apartment with my boyfriend and a roommate.
I remember being 24. I finally made my first teaching job—-my first “real” career job. I was so excited. It was all I had worked for, but then, that first year of teaching was especially difficult. I had more work than I ever did in my whole life, and I couldn’t keep up. I also had a lot of discipline problems and an administration to please. Teaching is the most humbling experience I have ever had and the most difficult thing I have ever done. And, my boyfriend proposed to me.
I remember being 25. It was my second year of teaching. I thought about how I was a push-over, and I didn’t want to be a pushover anymore. So, I became quite mean that year. I bought a house, and I had begun to heavily resent my partner. I was tired of being the “responsible” one, and sometimes (I’m ashamed to admit) I projected the frustration from my partner onto my students. I’d come to expect that people would let me down and look to me to do everything. I was always running on empty. I started dreading the wedding date, hated work, hated my life, so I ended my relationship. When it felt like everyone around me was getting married, I choose not to, and like Robert Frost said about roads not taken—- that choice has made all the difference.
I remember being 26. I started developing my yoga practice—and I had no idea where it would take me. I just knew that I felt something I had never felt before—peace, calm. Yoga made me feel like I could handle anything. Also, I met really positive people who wanted to go places, do things. I met people who were kind and accepting. My body started to become more tone, and I quit smoking cigarettes. I started to care about my health and found the value in taking care of myself.
I remember being 27. My hair fell out. I didn’t want to wear a wig. I realized some of the people I thought were my “friends” really weren’t. I decided I was going to travel to Thailand and study yoga despite the fact that my family was worried and tried to discourage me. I didn’t know if teaching public school was really for me, and I felt like I should be better at my career than I was. And, as stressed as I was, I’d always find peace on my mat.
I remember turning 28 in Thailand with all these yogis in training. They were all amazing people. I usually only tell the positives, but that trip was the 2nd most humbling (next to teaching) thing for me. I got to see a different part of the world. I also saw what it was about myself that was shrouded in insecurity and how my insecurities held me back. I was so concerned with what everyone thought of me, so eager to please everyone except myself. But, I realize now that inside all of us are things to love and things that need work. There are many things about me to love, but there are also things that need work. The things I have worked on this year are learning that I have control over my emotions, being calm/not always anxious, and what I manifest/put out into the world. I feel kinder, more patient, and less insecure. For once in my life, I like myself. I also had my best year of teaching, and I looked forward to work every day. The night before I left Thailand, I lied on the hard bed I had grown accustomed and thought about how much power I had. I had the power to change the world with the energy I put into it, and I was going to work on that. Putting good energy into the universe and hope that it would turn around and give it back.
Now, I am 29. I am not out to impress anyone. The only person I have to prove myself to is me. I’m going to be the person I was always meant to be. I wonder what this year will bring me.
The Hairy Hippy 